Quit it

"Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation." - Saint Augustine

Every year I give chocolate up for Lent and every year I get endlessly asked why, get opinions proffered on the stupidity of giving things up, and comments about how "you don't need to give it up anyway!". I often get made to feel like some sort of social pariah, either for choosing to observe a 'religious' tradition, or for having enough will power to give something up. 

I know Lent is a religious symbol, I know a lot of people think it is outdated and irrelevant, I'm not particularly religious. However I was schooled at a Catholic institution and it was fine. I never felt pressured to believe, or to join in if I didn't want to. For me a Catholic education was one of interesting stories, comforting traditions and friendly faces. The only negativity I experienced was from the academic side of school, not the pastoral, religious side. So for me I have positive associations with the traditions and rituals of Catholicism.  

It is not so much observing a religious tradition for me, as continuing a tradition of childhood. It feels like an important part of the passing year. Given my relationship with time it is hardly surprising it holds significance. That bit is a no brainer for me. 

What about the validity of giving something up, or whether you need to give it up. Do I NEED to give up chocolate? Nope. I am not over-weight and I would imagine statistically the likelihood of me getting big again is probably lower then for many people. The amount of chocolate I do consume probably doesn't do me much harm physically, so I am fine. 

It isn't about my physical health though. It's about my mental health. I have an addictive personality and I am a control freak. So maybe it is good for me to manage my addictive urges, maybe it is bad for me to support my controlling ones. What I do know is, it is necessary to help me move through my year and stay safe. 

At the end of the day why I chose to give something up for Lent isn't really important. What is a shame, is that I feel I have to defend it. It is a complex thing, it feeds part of my story which is clam and nurturing, it also feeds part of it that's more challenging. For those asking remember, curiosity is one thing, derision is something else. 

 

Condition or Compulsion

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

Flash fiction or forced fiction. Is there any point in forcing writing if it won't come. I am undecided.

I know that to get the words to flow you have to turn on the tap, but what if all that comes out is brown and cloudy. Is it worth leaving it running in the hope that it'll run clear, when does the point come that you need to give up and go run an errand or visit a friend whilst you wait for the problem to rectify itself.

I am struggling at the moment to get the words to flow. I'm stuck between the feeling that there is something there, something that is at least good enough to satisfy me, and the feeling that I am just not that articulate and it doesn't matter how much I persevere nothing will ever be quite enough.

I guess at the end of the day writing for me is a compulsion. I can't get it out of my head. I have a vein of creative desire which I can't satisfy any other way. If I sing, ears bleed, if I paint, eyes cross and if I dance, it ends in tears. I'm not saying I can write well, but I can do it without damaging anyone. Reading this is your choice.

So whether I leave the tap running or give it a while is still up in the air, maybe I'll have another cup of tea while I decide.

Fit to work

"One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one." - Ann Landers

I am contemplating going back to work. I don't want to go, but I really should. My job isn't that bad, I am sure someone would love it. Unfortunately it's just not me. The people I work with are lovely I couldn't wish for better colleges. Although jokes when the heating is off, again, don't always go down that well.

I've been off for a fortnight, viral exhaustion. Get a virus, add a bunch of emotional stressors, lack of sleep, bad eating and boom you find yourself whacked out. It's not just that though.

I'm being stalked by the black dog and lately he's been hanging around, not for a game of fetch. I wish I could put my finger on what attracted his attention, but that's the problem isn't it. If the cause was obvious, the symptoms would be much easier to deal with.

I am lucky, I have a great counselor, an amazing family, fantastic friends. I know that balanced food, sleep, exercise are important. Sometimes though it doesn't matter how hard you fight, how hard you try, it still creeps up on you. Drags you down.

So I am contemplating going back to work, but I am nervous. I am nervous about adding something extra to my week. I am nervous about where black dog might lead me, who I might become. 

Home, Sweet (?) Home

"A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body." - Benjamin Franklin

I'm fairly sure I have had a rant about this before, but it's bugging me again. Why does everyone make being an adult look like it is easy when this is clearly lies?

Lemons, it was lemons that really got me today. How is it that at my parents my mum always have lemon, they never go bad, and I am fairly sure she doesn't use them for anything. Am I being fooled, are they fake? I am sure I have used them for baking before, so what is this witchcraft?

Also stuff going wrong, all of it, all the time. Why does everything go wrong? I get one thing fixed, I settle down and think I am going to get a break, a chance to relax and enjoy my home. Then the next thing goes, or series of things. It is unbelievably frustrating and I feel like I never get a break.

Then there are all the things that haven't gone wrong but need doing. Grass, does it ever stop growing? Get the mower out, fix the "issue" the mower has developed since it was last used, mow the by now jungle like lawn, put mower away, turn around........jungle! The same goes for housework, shopping, finances. Having a home is like having a child in it's own right, with a constant unending stream of wants which rapidly become needs.

Honestly I have to go to work, I have to manage my house child, I have to solve the mystery of sneaky lemons. No wonder I regularly feel a little frayed.

Routine

“Sometimes, when things are going hard, you have to use your routine to keep yourself moving.” – Anonymous

I have been struggling to write the last few days as the observant among you may have noticed. Those of you who know me will know that's because there is a lot of "stuff" going on right now. There is lots I could write, but I respect the written word, once its written down you can't take it back. You have to be careful what you write if you are going to write from the heart.

Anywho I have been trying to work out what I do want to share and found something has been sitting with me for a few days. Someone made a comment the other day about depression and the importance of routine. The black dog definitely doesn't hang around if he is well fed, and walked at the same time every day, he's not a play fetch kind of mutt.

Anyone who has every found themselves stuck at the bottom of the dark well of depression knows the drill. Eat properly, get enough sleep. Do the things that need doing, get out of bed, wash, get dressed, don't push yourself but keep a sense of normality, give yourself a lifeline to hold on to.

The things is there is a fine line between good routine and unmanageable routine. I'm sure I'm not the only one that struggles with balance. The reason I'm generally in a pickle is because my routine is too hectic and I've crashed. I feel like I am on a pendulum, balance is possible but fleeting.

So yes, when I am low I need to get sleep, eat well, get up in the morning, get dresses, get some fresh air and exercise. If someone can let me know how I work out when the list gets too long that would be super. I guess I'll have to muddle along, trying to figure it out on my own for now.