Fit to work

"One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one." - Ann Landers

I am contemplating going back to work. I don't want to go, but I really should. My job isn't that bad, I am sure someone would love it. Unfortunately it's just not me. The people I work with are lovely I couldn't wish for better colleges. Although jokes when the heating is off, again, don't always go down that well.

I've been off for a fortnight, viral exhaustion. Get a virus, add a bunch of emotional stressors, lack of sleep, bad eating and boom you find yourself whacked out. It's not just that though.

I'm being stalked by the black dog and lately he's been hanging around, not for a game of fetch. I wish I could put my finger on what attracted his attention, but that's the problem isn't it. If the cause was obvious, the symptoms would be much easier to deal with.

I am lucky, I have a great counselor, an amazing family, fantastic friends. I know that balanced food, sleep, exercise are important. Sometimes though it doesn't matter how hard you fight, how hard you try, it still creeps up on you. Drags you down.

So I am contemplating going back to work, but I am nervous. I am nervous about adding something extra to my week. I am nervous about where black dog might lead me, who I might become. 

Routine

“Sometimes, when things are going hard, you have to use your routine to keep yourself moving.” – Anonymous

I have been struggling to write the last few days as the observant among you may have noticed. Those of you who know me will know that's because there is a lot of "stuff" going on right now. There is lots I could write, but I respect the written word, once its written down you can't take it back. You have to be careful what you write if you are going to write from the heart.

Anywho I have been trying to work out what I do want to share and found something has been sitting with me for a few days. Someone made a comment the other day about depression and the importance of routine. The black dog definitely doesn't hang around if he is well fed, and walked at the same time every day, he's not a play fetch kind of mutt.

Anyone who has every found themselves stuck at the bottom of the dark well of depression knows the drill. Eat properly, get enough sleep. Do the things that need doing, get out of bed, wash, get dressed, don't push yourself but keep a sense of normality, give yourself a lifeline to hold on to.

The things is there is a fine line between good routine and unmanageable routine. I'm sure I'm not the only one that struggles with balance. The reason I'm generally in a pickle is because my routine is too hectic and I've crashed. I feel like I am on a pendulum, balance is possible but fleeting.

So yes, when I am low I need to get sleep, eat well, get up in the morning, get dresses, get some fresh air and exercise. If someone can let me know how I work out when the list gets too long that would be super. I guess I'll have to muddle along, trying to figure it out on my own for now. 

Borked

"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk." - Doug Larson

Have you ever been in a relationship which lacked in the communication department? One where you were either constantly second guessing each other or at cross purposes. It is not a pleasant position or one which you choose to get into. I am in that kind of relationship with my mental and physical health. My body refuses to tell me straight up what it wants or needs, it tries to take care of itself without my help and regularly fails.

I fell asleep this afternoon for no reason. I don't nap, I hate napping. I'm either asleep or I'm awake. If I sleep I need 4 hours minimum, if I am awoke before then, well lets just say, BEWARE. Why could my body have not just told me I was tired, oh I don't know last night. Or maybe have choose to get some quality sleep during the 8 hours I was in bed last night.

On that same vein why can't it tell me I am thirsty rather than breakdown because I haven't drunk enough water. Why can't it tell me I am full when I have eaten enough or hungry when I haven't, rather that telling me I am full when I am sad and hungry when I am bored.

I guess like with any relationship the real question is, is my body not telling me the right things, or am I not listening to what it is telling me? I guess I will have to just keep trying to find out.

Look again

"Advice is like snow - the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper in sinks into the mind." - Samuel Taylor Coleridge

I should go to bed instead of sitting here watching Bones and eating a Curly Wurly. Alas I have my snow head on. You totally thought you'd got away without snow chat for a second there didn't you? Sorry no luck people it is all about the white and fluffy today, at least I hope it's going to all about the white and fluffy.

I know, the first sigh of a few flakes and the whole country goes bonkers. I'm sorry, but I love snow, snowy snow snow. It makes everything a little bit more amazing. Yes it is a pain to get to work and everything goes a bit bonkers, but it is so pretty. I feel for those of you who have to get to work, the emergency services, hospital staff, mental health services, prison officers, everyone who makes a vital contribution to keeping things running.

The thing is snow makes me feel alive, refreshed rejuvenated. It is amazing the power in looking at things differently and snow forces you to look differently. My brain definitely needs a different perspective at the moment. Don't get my wrong, my sub-conscious is trying it's best I have been having some fascinating dreams, but the problem is I don't think dream sleep is the most restful sleep. So finding a new view externally is a lot less effort.

My fingers are crossed that the world will be beautifully coated in the morning  Whatever you are hoping for be safe, keep warm and if you get a snow day and decide to pop round, bring some milk, I've only got enough for me.

Late Post 6th Jan 2013 - Poor Me

"Each patient carries his own doctor inside him.” ― Norman Cousins

6th Jan 2013! (Late post)

Well that was a terrible night sleep and I still feel awful. Funny how that happens sometimes, I'm certainly not ill, my system is just having a moment. The things about days like these is that your body is trying to tell you something, slow down, sleep more, drink more water, be nicer too me. Working out what it wants however isn't always easy, it's like trying to understand a regional dialect when you only have secondary school knowledge of a foreign language. It is especially difficult when you don't spend a great amount of time listening to your body when it is running well, or paying attention to the signals that you are doing things right. I do listen to my body and I am struggling. 

I think today might be a Sunday for the sofa and sitting down. Tea anyone?

Atop the wooden hill, lies the elusive land of nod.

"To sleep, perchance to dream" – Shakespeare

"Up the wooden hill to Bed-ford-shire", that always confused me as a child. I've been to Bedfordshire, it’s not on top of a hill made from wood, it is too big for starters. Mind you I was quite literally thinking as a child and getting my head round Jean-Luc Picard’s Captain’s log was tough, what on earth was he up to, creating the largest pyre in the known universe?

Anyway I digress. Bed time, sleep, beautiful, wonderful unconsciousness. Time for the mind to do what it does best to sort, to process, to apply balm to the worries of the day. It fascinates me the routines people go through to achieve a state they'll have no recollection about come the morning. It doesn’t surprise me though, I have too many of my own pernickety night time needs to be surprised by anyone else’s. A cool bedroom, a leaning pillow, nothing electrical in the bedroom, two trips to the loo, darkness and quiet. I thought the last two at least would conform to the norm but it seems not.

Some people have to go to bed early to quell a fear of not being able to drift off, despite no supporting evidence that they will struggle. Some can’t sleep with out the television or radio on. Some have to have warm feet or feel protected wrapped to sweltering point in an overly heavy duvet. Others need to cling on to the headboard as though they might fall off in the night.

There is something powerful about the need not to tempt fate when it comes to sleep, not wanting to jinx it. Which suggests that we all place great importance on it, know deep down in a primeval sense that we need sleep. Yet how many of us really take it seriously? How many of us actively ensure we get enough, actively ensure it is good enough, make the sacrifices to ensure we always wake up on the right side of the bed. One wonders how much the lack of a good nights sleep might be at the root of so many of the problems we face every day. Would we all eat better, exercise more, if out brains were rested enough to allow us to focus on these things? Would our relationships with friends, families, partners be better served by being alert and awake after a good nights sleep? Or is all of that a fantasy, is sleep fragile by nature. Are those pre-civilized instincts to remain alert to danger so deeply ingrained that we can’t get rid of them and our strange modern day rituals a way of relieving our natural inbuilt anxieties.

I am sure some boffin out there has studies many of these questions, but some how the power of our need to relinquish to such a unsafe state keeps it's secrets. I know I am certainly no expert, however I will continue my life long study in the hope of figuring my own relationship with sleep out. So up the apples and pears I go.