Borked

"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk." - Doug Larson

Have you ever been in a relationship which lacked in the communication department? One where you were either constantly second guessing each other or at cross purposes. It is not a pleasant position or one which you choose to get into. I am in that kind of relationship with my mental and physical health. My body refuses to tell me straight up what it wants or needs, it tries to take care of itself without my help and regularly fails.

I fell asleep this afternoon for no reason. I don't nap, I hate napping. I'm either asleep or I'm awake. If I sleep I need 4 hours minimum, if I am awoke before then, well lets just say, BEWARE. Why could my body have not just told me I was tired, oh I don't know last night. Or maybe have choose to get some quality sleep during the 8 hours I was in bed last night.

On that same vein why can't it tell me I am thirsty rather than breakdown because I haven't drunk enough water. Why can't it tell me I am full when I have eaten enough or hungry when I haven't, rather that telling me I am full when I am sad and hungry when I am bored.

I guess like with any relationship the real question is, is my body not telling me the right things, or am I not listening to what it is telling me? I guess I will have to just keep trying to find out.

Dammit, Janet.

"I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey." - The Rocky Horror Picture Show

It's cold and windy outside and I am lying in bed writing to you and regretfully peeling off  fake eyelashes. It's been a heck of a night. I think I am in love with a man in a corset and stockings.

I had a strange introduction to Rocky Horror. I knew most of the jokes and lyrics before I had ever even seen it. 50 miles on foot, over three days, in the Scottish boarders, with a (mixed sex) group of scouts has you picking up the strangest things. Most of Life of Brian, ditto Monty Python's Holy Grail and all of the lyrics to every Rocky Horror song, all pepper with Full Metal Jacket quotes, obviously. 

Despite such strange beginnings  or perhaps because of them, The Rocky Horror Picture Show has an extremely fond place in my heart. Last nights 40th Anniversary show was amazing, the cast and the audience were stunning. The cast knew to expect the unexpected and the audience knew how to provide it. From the opening line the energy levels were turned up to 11, I had trouble staying sat in my seat. Oliver Thornton's Frank-N-Furter was beautiful and intense, who thought a man in stockings could be that alluring, whatever your preference. Philip Franks as the narrator was razor sharp and utterly unflappable. Sadly, Eddie was weakly played and some what over looked, though much of the audience seemed unfazed by this. Also a song by Brad in the second act drastically changed the pace of the overall performance,jarring against what came before. Otherwise Each and every member of the cast knew they're role and played to exactly what the audience wanted. Rhydian's Rocky was not only perfectly sculpted, but finally a Rocky with a voice, and what a voice.

So glad I got to see the show again, and to share the experience with the friends that I went with. Now all that is left to do is wipe away the last traces of drag queen ish make up, and crawl into be with "Don't dream it, Be it" floating around my brain.

Empty

“There's just something obvious about emptiness, even when you try to convince yourself otherwise. ”
― Sarah Dessen

I don't know what is betraying me. Body or mind. I have nothing to give. I feel like I have been hollowed out. Maybe it is the cold. Maybe it is the fact nothing has been working at work this week. Maybe it is this dark time of year. Whatever it is I am afraid that today I have nothing to give.

I hope your body and mind are behaving better.

The Gift of Dyslexia

"The biggest problem with dyslexic kids is not the perceptual problem, it is their perception of themselves. That was my biggest problem." - Bruce Jenner

I think I have mentioned before, I am dyslexic. Today I am particularly Dyslexic. I hadn't noticed it explicitly before, but apparently stress makes me worse. I managed to transpose every set of four numbers when reading out a credit card number.

I don't consider myself "very" dyslexic, although in truth I don't really know what constitutes as mild or sever dyslexia. Sometimes I wonder though, maybe I just don't notice it, maybe it is my attitude that makes it feel like part of me rather than something wrong. It is swings and roundabouts. My attitude, that it is just another unique part of my make up, probably makes it easier for me to get on with things, but harder to recognize where it does make experiences different for me.

It made me wonder what else we take for granted. I am not suggesting we are all walking round a bit wrong, but more self awareness can't be a bad thing?

Gotta have faith?

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” ― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Faith has been a bit of a theme lately, not least on Sunday when I was asked to celebrate a friend's son's Christening. It was strange celebrating a CofE service. If anything my family would be Protestant, but I went to a Catholic school and my extended family are Catholic, so for me if it's not Mass it doesn't feel right. However I did get a cup of tea which I was allowed to drink whilst sat in the pews so it wasn't that bad. 

I find religious faith quite a challenge, I'm not sure I believe in, as my brother would put it, the magical sky wizard. What I do have though is a sense of something more, something bigger. I just don't know what that is, maybe it is a collective consciousness, maybe it is the flying spaghetti monster *all hail his noodley appendages*. There is something that my faith hovers over that I can't quite put my finger on. 

I don't think that is a bad thing though. I am science minded, I believe in fact, in proof, in evidence, in proving a hypothesis. I also strongly feel that a sense of something else, means you might have your feet firmly planted on the ground but you can still have you head in the clouds, feeling the sunshine, hearing the birds sing and hoping to find something new. 

It's oh so quiet

"Saying nothing...sometimes says the most." - Emily Dickinson

I can't really write much again today. I am tired, I am fed up and Thumper's Mum said if you can't said if you can't say anything nice.

My work was cold, the heating is broken.

My computer was broken, nothing new.

I'm shattered for no particular reason.

I have nothing nice to say.

I do have chocolate.

I'm going to go do that.

Night.

Sorry

"It takes a strong person to say sorry, and an ever stronger person to forgive." - Unknown

For tonight, that's it.....as the title say.......