Computer says NO

"Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy." - Joseph Campbell

So for what feels like the twelve thousandth time, this morning I dragged myself to work only to find my computer wasn't working. It is Monday, I got out of my warm comfortable bed to face a mean cold world at 7am. Despite the dark, greyness of this mornings winter dawn I still wrenched myself out of the house and negotiated the commute to work, the commute where other people are allowed to drive on the same roads as me. I made the choice between parking in a free spot and walking for ten minutes, or parking in a paid for spot and not walking. Actually that decision was made for me by the other people who are allowed on the roads making my journey ten minutes longer than it should be. I then sacrificed myself to the harsh fluorescent lighting, the unpredictable temperature fluctuations and soup of other peoples post-Christmas germs that is the office. Only to once again spend an hour and a half trying fruitlessly to login to my computer.

It took 35 mins for there to be any sign that IT recognised that there was a problem. I tried calling myself, but the line was constantly telling me all operators were busy, which suggests other folk were reporting the same thing. It wasn't just me who couldn't get logged on, but every fellow desktop user in my team and doubtlessly that means every desktop user in the organisation. Generally the laptop users, mostly consisting of those who manage the desktop users, do not have this issue. Their laptops rarely fail to allow them to do their work, this makes it quite difficult to manage relations between the two groups. It is an unfortunate truth that human beings find empathy difficult, especially when they have no experience on which to hang that empathy.

Of course the biggest issue we face is the demoralisation of the workforce due to this on-going issue. I believe if my maths is correct I alone have lost nearly two working weeks since August 2012 due to these continually occurring issues. I don't always go in to work with the Monday morning blues. Sometimes I am all game face and ready to go, but that rarely lasts longer than half an hour into one of these little "moments" our IT system likes to have.

With no solution on the horizon however I suspect I am going to have to learn to live with it, perhaps acceptance can be located at the bottom of yet another cup of tea.

Late Post 6th Jan 2013 - Poor Me

"Each patient carries his own doctor inside him.” ― Norman Cousins

6th Jan 2013! (Late post)

Well that was a terrible night sleep and I still feel awful. Funny how that happens sometimes, I'm certainly not ill, my system is just having a moment. The things about days like these is that your body is trying to tell you something, slow down, sleep more, drink more water, be nicer too me. Working out what it wants however isn't always easy, it's like trying to understand a regional dialect when you only have secondary school knowledge of a foreign language. It is especially difficult when you don't spend a great amount of time listening to your body when it is running well, or paying attention to the signals that you are doing things right. I do listen to my body and I am struggling. 

I think today might be a Sunday for the sofa and sitting down. Tea anyone?

Shhh I'm having a moment, just me and my book.

“So many books, so little time.” ― Frank Zappa

2011 - 13 books. 2012 - 20 books. Which means 2013 - 27 books? Hmm we'll see, I'll be happy with 24, two a month wouldn't be bad.

My first read of the year, in a serendipitous fashion, reflects a new beginning of sorts, J K Rowling's first post-Harry novel. Whatever you think of it a a novel, it is safe to say that the author is a storyteller by nature.

The story of a rural town in the West Country which is struck by the sudden death of one of it's Parish Councillors is a powerful one. The charters are well rounded and in some cases beautifully loathsome, most are flawed. The action flips between the idyllic town and a neighboring estate, which is far less salubrious, with an almost careless ease. The story itself is one of those, things happen, but equally you would be happen just to read about the lives of the characters, at least that is how it feels.

I finish it today and will miss Pagford and it's inhabitants. I fine it hard to move between books, between the world the authors share with me. I also have no doubt that I will re-visit Ms Rowling's new offering in the future as I do so often with her Mr Potter and pals.

First though I must find a new landscape to inhabit, new lives to learn about, because there really are so many books, and time is so very short.

The Sun shines out their.........

“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” - Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

We all get worked up and say silly things in the heat of the moment from time to time. It is human nature, some kind of survival instinct. It isn’t nice and we would do better without such foolish pride, but never-the-less it is what it is.

I fail to grasp however, what constitutes heat of the moment for some people. If you are in the middle of a screaming match with someone, maybe you should be rethinking how you communicate but that is by the by, that is heat of the moment. What about a discussion with friends who have different opinions. How does that scale up to become a heat of the moment row? What about written communication, how does that situation leave you seeing red, worse still what about the global political arena?

This week the President of Argentina published an open letter in a number of British newspapers restating her belief that the Falkland Islands should come under Argentinean authority. This is not a new argument, not something that has come out of the blue. It is certainly emotive, but I fail to understand how some have managed to reach quite such a level of fury over it? Does the Sun newspaper not realise it is being trolled by an entire nation? Or am I being naive and is there reaction entirely based in the desire to earn money, to re-ingratiate themselves with the British wallet?

Whatever their motives it leave little hope that the wider public might make a move away from reactionism and begin to turn the other cheek. Especially since so many seem to think that the Sun shines out.............

Atop the wooden hill, lies the elusive land of nod.

"To sleep, perchance to dream" – Shakespeare

"Up the wooden hill to Bed-ford-shire", that always confused me as a child. I've been to Bedfordshire, it’s not on top of a hill made from wood, it is too big for starters. Mind you I was quite literally thinking as a child and getting my head round Jean-Luc Picard’s Captain’s log was tough, what on earth was he up to, creating the largest pyre in the known universe?

Anyway I digress. Bed time, sleep, beautiful, wonderful unconsciousness. Time for the mind to do what it does best to sort, to process, to apply balm to the worries of the day. It fascinates me the routines people go through to achieve a state they'll have no recollection about come the morning. It doesn’t surprise me though, I have too many of my own pernickety night time needs to be surprised by anyone else’s. A cool bedroom, a leaning pillow, nothing electrical in the bedroom, two trips to the loo, darkness and quiet. I thought the last two at least would conform to the norm but it seems not.

Some people have to go to bed early to quell a fear of not being able to drift off, despite no supporting evidence that they will struggle. Some can’t sleep with out the television or radio on. Some have to have warm feet or feel protected wrapped to sweltering point in an overly heavy duvet. Others need to cling on to the headboard as though they might fall off in the night.

There is something powerful about the need not to tempt fate when it comes to sleep, not wanting to jinx it. Which suggests that we all place great importance on it, know deep down in a primeval sense that we need sleep. Yet how many of us really take it seriously? How many of us actively ensure we get enough, actively ensure it is good enough, make the sacrifices to ensure we always wake up on the right side of the bed. One wonders how much the lack of a good nights sleep might be at the root of so many of the problems we face every day. Would we all eat better, exercise more, if out brains were rested enough to allow us to focus on these things? Would our relationships with friends, families, partners be better served by being alert and awake after a good nights sleep? Or is all of that a fantasy, is sleep fragile by nature. Are those pre-civilized instincts to remain alert to danger so deeply ingrained that we can’t get rid of them and our strange modern day rituals a way of relieving our natural inbuilt anxieties.

I am sure some boffin out there has studies many of these questions, but some how the power of our need to relinquish to such a unsafe state keeps it's secrets. I know I am certainly no expert, however I will continue my life long study in the hope of figuring my own relationship with sleep out. So up the apples and pears I go.

The morning after the day before the night before.

“In case you never get a second chance: don't be afraid!" "And what if you do get a second chance?" "You take it!” ― C. JoyBell C.

Welcome to 2013. Lets face it, yesterday hardly counts. I don't know about you guys, but yesterday was mostly spent eating cheese and chocolate, and chocolate and cheese. There were also movies and cats and the like but frankly it is mostly a sugar and fats induced blur.

So lets just write it off and get on with our new beginnings today.

Last year was a really weird one for me. There were a lot of changes in my world. Friends started families, or had their families grow. Other friends made commitments to build lives together, maybe start families of their own. 2013 looks set to hold much of the same, weddings, babies, new homes, new jobs, new dreams, on and up, on and up. I had changes in my life, but there were less tangible less identifiable. The kind of changes that sneak up on you. You don't even realise you are in the chrysalis let alone what your butterfly will look like.

I certainly found some pieces of the puzzle, not the ones I expected or the ones I had realised were missing. I learnt that I can think for myself, that I might have opinions Which might seem odd, but it genuinely was a revelation. I learnt how to be calmer, more measured, I also learnt the thinks that challenge my calmness the most. I learnt that it doesn't matter how well you know yourself, sometimes stuff takes over and you will surprise yourself both for the good and bad.

I am not setting any new years resolutions this year. Instead I am setting myself a challenge. Stop sweating the small stuff. For now though I am just going to go to bed and hope I sweat out the fat and sugar, doubt it I think I might have to go for a run tomorrow.

We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." ~Hal Borland

So 2012, it wasn't quite what I thought it would be. There were too many goodbyes. There were some moments were love shone brightly. There was unfulfilled promise. Though it is never too later.

I am immensely luck to have wonderful, intelligent friends, both in my life physically and those who I have met online. They get me through, keep me grounded and call me out when I need it. Never-the-less, and despite more help than I believe I deserve, I still don't make things easy for myself. In 2012, in every year, my worse enemy, the thing that holds me back the most is myself.

There is of course every possibility that I only think I am being held back, but I would rather fail for trying than fail for not. So though the turn of the year is not really a beginning or and end, maybe it can be a change.

If all else fails I will get at least two pretty dresses out of 2013, and I'll take that as an early win.