The morning after the day before the night before.

“In case you never get a second chance: don't be afraid!" "And what if you do get a second chance?" "You take it!” ― C. JoyBell C.

Welcome to 2013. Lets face it, yesterday hardly counts. I don't know about you guys, but yesterday was mostly spent eating cheese and chocolate, and chocolate and cheese. There were also movies and cats and the like but frankly it is mostly a sugar and fats induced blur.

So lets just write it off and get on with our new beginnings today.

Last year was a really weird one for me. There were a lot of changes in my world. Friends started families, or had their families grow. Other friends made commitments to build lives together, maybe start families of their own. 2013 looks set to hold much of the same, weddings, babies, new homes, new jobs, new dreams, on and up, on and up. I had changes in my life, but there were less tangible less identifiable. The kind of changes that sneak up on you. You don't even realise you are in the chrysalis let alone what your butterfly will look like.

I certainly found some pieces of the puzzle, not the ones I expected or the ones I had realised were missing. I learnt that I can think for myself, that I might have opinions Which might seem odd, but it genuinely was a revelation. I learnt how to be calmer, more measured, I also learnt the thinks that challenge my calmness the most. I learnt that it doesn't matter how well you know yourself, sometimes stuff takes over and you will surprise yourself both for the good and bad.

I am not setting any new years resolutions this year. Instead I am setting myself a challenge. Stop sweating the small stuff. For now though I am just going to go to bed and hope I sweat out the fat and sugar, doubt it I think I might have to go for a run tomorrow.

We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." ~Hal Borland

So 2012, it wasn't quite what I thought it would be. There were too many goodbyes. There were some moments were love shone brightly. There was unfulfilled promise. Though it is never too later.

I am immensely luck to have wonderful, intelligent friends, both in my life physically and those who I have met online. They get me through, keep me grounded and call me out when I need it. Never-the-less, and despite more help than I believe I deserve, I still don't make things easy for myself. In 2012, in every year, my worse enemy, the thing that holds me back the most is myself.

There is of course every possibility that I only think I am being held back, but I would rather fail for trying than fail for not. So though the turn of the year is not really a beginning or and end, maybe it can be a change.

If all else fails I will get at least two pretty dresses out of 2013, and I'll take that as an early win.

2011 Reflection

I’m not sure if I’ve said previously, but I’m currently in the Grand Ol’ US of A with the folks, siblings and assorted others. It feels so good to get time away from the daily grind, it is as though I have left the weight of all the inevitable life niggles behind. I’ve never really felt that before, but as I sit in my favourite bookstore, in a beautiful Colorado ski town, sipping a hot chai tea latte on what is a bone-chillingly cold day, I truly am able to appreciate how important it is to get away from all that, to take the time to do something different, something that allows you to appreciate what you have. I guess the fact that we are currently braced to step in to a new year might have something to do with it as well.

2011 has been an interesting year, some changes, some maintenance of the status quo. On the whole it’s not been bad. The biggest hurdle has been getting the hang of living in a new home, with my wonderful other half, well wonderful most of the time. There are a lot of things that happen during your journey on this earth that will change the way you travel, some you know about even if you can’t fully appreciate, some that sneak up on you rather unexpectedly. Moving out of my parent’s house has definitely been in the second category. It’s been hard at times, really hard, the days when you realise that you have been living the way you are used to and as a result you suddenly have no clean pants or pans, the only things for dinner are broccoli that has gone to bloom, half a tub of yoghurt and a lump of salami, (take away anyone?) and you have absolutely no idea what to tackle first. Add to that the fact that the other half works shifts, something I am not yet used to and possibly never will be, and the whole thing can get somewhat overwhelming, making you thing that you’d really like to just move back home and write the whole idea off as a bit of a misadventure. Spending your evening shuttling between houses and never really having your own space wasn’t that bad was it?

Whilst those days are hard they are hugely outweighed by the good days. The days when you’ve done everything that “has” to be done together as a couple and then you have time to enjoy each others company, the days that you spend doing the things you want to do and are able share your challenges and successes with that special someone at the end of it, the meals together where it is just the two of you and you just sit and chat, having friends over on your own terms, and leaving last nights plates on the table because lets face it who cares!

The maintenance of the status quo is almost a bigger challenge and weight on my mind, but in a less immediate way. I have no problem actually maintaining the status quo, I get up, I go to work, I do my tasks, I come home, I work out, I see friends, simple. It is un-maintaining, breaking the pattern to allow other things into my life, which is the difficult task. Finding time to write, for example, both here and in other formats, is not something I have regularly found time for in the past, but I know it is something I want, or possible even need, to fit in.

Challenging whether my job is where I really want to be is another. The difficultly there however is whilst I know it doesn’t make me happy, I’m not sure what would. In the past I have spent a lot time locked in an internal battle about what career path is right for me, but as someone very wise pointed out, if you don’t give yourself space and time how are you ever suppose to figure that out. So rather than ponder and debate with myself I have spent 2011 trying to give myself some space to breath, I’m hoping 2012 provides some answers, but I guess not all of us know what we are “meant to be” and maybe I never will.

Whatever I may think of 2011 when I look back, it has definitely been a year of learning, learning how to live with someone new, learning how to give myself space to live, and learning that the things that don’t come easily may be challenging but facing that challenge is worth it. I hope that 2011 was a good year for you and that 2012 is a positive one too. Hey if all else fails at least we only have 7 months until the Olympic come to London (and if it’s not your thing 7 ½ months until it finishes)!