Little things

“If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.” ― Albert Einstein

There is a lot going on right now and I'll be the first to admit I am not holding up very well against these waves. My head says that we deal with different things in different ways, my heart says not a lot, and the rest of me says I need to man up. The result of these different points of view is chaos, internal and external.

However small steps are often the most important ones and today I was reminded of the importance of simple things. I've spent a lot of time outside today, outside and with small people. It is, despite my regular instance otherwise, still winter (just). It was grey and damp and blowy out today. It wasn't freezing though, nor was it entirely grey. There were swaths of white and it wasn't snow, there were splashes of yellow dotted here and there. The trees weren't green, they weren't even fluffy, but wrapped up tight in their protective coats are signs of spring. I know because I was showing a little person, well between stirring puddle cauldrons and transforming things with giant stick wands.

Little things are important, taking time out to look for signs of spring, to contemplate the ever changing nature of all around us. Holding on to these little insights is something different. I guess that is the next step. I hope it isn't too big

Tick Tock

THE PROBLEM WITH YOUR BIOLOGICAL CLO........HANG ON.

That’s better I put it in the next room, in a box, wrapped in a blanket, under the bed, then I shut the door. Now where was I?

Ah yes. The problem with your biological clock is that it can get to a point where it is ticking so loudly you can barely hear yourself think. If that is the case, how are you supposed to know what is right and what is the crazy lady who’s been driven mad by the ticking? Brining a child into the world is a massive under-taking and not to be done lightly. However the incessant ticking is something I’m not sure can be described to those who have not experienced it. I can understand the view some folk have of those who seem from the outside desperately crazy to procreate. I do tend to agree there are some people who get wrapped up by the onward march of time and seem very much from the outside to be unable to consider what is actually important. However to tar everyone experiencing this phenomenon with the same brush is firstly unfair and secondly likely to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes I want to have children, yes that tick, tick, tick is very distracting, but no, I am not on a one woman mission to get what I want right now with no thought for how I go about it and whose life I alter doing it. There are, I am sure, a lot of women who find themselves with this unbearably strong desire to procreate, but I am also sure that it is the minority who let the crazy win out, and I’m not really certain I can blame them for giving into it either. There are certain actions that are unforgivable, but these are the type of one off you rarely hear about whatever Liz Jones would like us to believe.  

Before that switch flicked I couldn’t have imagine what it would be like. There are a lot of experiences that even if you haven’t been through them personal the nature of the shared human experience can give you an insight, for me this was not one of them. I know I am not in the right position to think about starting a family at the moment, financially, emotionally nor within my relationship, but none of those seem to matter as much as they should. I know that if I were to have a child now I would not be giving it the best opportunities. I know that in reality I have plenty of time and opportunity to start a family; I just don’t really believe it. I’m terrified that it isn’t going to happen and no-one will convince me otherwise however reasoned and logical their argument. Equally however there are those who would say, “well go on then, do it”. That makes me almost as mad, I am fighting to maintain the clearest and most reasoned view of the scenario that I can under a huge amount of mental pressure. The added pressure of flippant individuals chipping away at my sanity is neither helpful nor appreciated. The symptoms crated by this sudden flip from want, to perceived immeasurable need, are not limited to wanting to have a child whatever the cost, not being if the position to fulfil this darkens everything else in your life. Your job, becomes a pointless waste of time that is not getting you to where you need to be, you become reckless about your career and unable to see a bigger, long term picture which includes possibilities, instead you only see the pitfalls and negatives, which in the long run is unlikely to be helpful and in the short term can cause you to take rash decisions. Your relationship becomes strained as you suddenly only see the things which are unconducive to getting what you want. Not only that, but these are not things which you can then address in a reasoned and measured way, working together as a couple to overcome. They must be sorted to your total satisfaction right now, because whilst you understand that in theory there may be room for compromises you don’t have time to figure them out. No-one seems to understand your sense of urgency. Of course the worst thing in all of this, is that you know you are being, shall we say “a bit mental”, but however hard you try to reign yourself in and ward of the effects, you know that it isn’t enough and that other people can see the cracks. You wonder if you should just succumb since you are obviously slipping anyway, and at least then you’ll feel like they have a right to judge you and you wouldn’t be so mentally exhausted.

At the end of the day though it is about you, your partner, but mostly it is about that life that you want to bring into the world that has no choice in the matter. It is your duty to protect it from everything, including a crazy, ill prepared mother. That is what you have to hold on to, everyday with all of your strength, because whilst the analogy of a ticking clock is appropriate, a more accurate one is that you are standing on the edge of a precipice and if you let go of that shred of sanity life will never be the same.