Holibobs

It is that time of year, well actually that time of year is almost pasted and I am running slightly late. Never-the-less I am off on holiday in less than a week. A proper holiday, for a whole week, in the sun. One where I have very little responsibility other than making sure I remember to eat and that I apply adequate sun cream, to be honest though I'll probably get reminded about the sun cream. I am becoming a God-mother during the holiday, but I think I pretty much just have to turn up to that, the responsibility comes later.

I haven't been on a beach holiday for years, I've not been on a holiday where the onus was to do as little as possible, for years. The last time I went on anything resembling a beach holiday  was when I went to collect my little brother from America after his year Uni placement. It was a wonderful get away and we did visit beaches, both coast of the USA in fact. However I did very much have the responsibility of not only getting him home, but also making sure he was coping ok leaving somewhere he clearly loved so much.

I'm an adventurer at heart. I love exploring, doing, finding out. I tend to go on holidays of discovery, be it discovering the terrain on an activity holiday or my Dad and I discovering that you can spend 3 out of 4 day on a city break totally lost because that alley looked really interesting. Equally however I am also knackered, wore out, totally and utterly exhausted. I love doing, and seeing and being involved, but those who know me or are regular readers will know I also have a habit of biting of more than I can chew and my oh my do I need a break.

The though of actually having said break is so exciting.........and completely terrifying. What am I actually going to do with myself, will I be able to sit down for five minutes, how do you do this relaxing thing? I have been trying to practise, I'm not sure I am very good at it though. So far today has been a practise day and I have done the laundry, washing up and watering. I've had a sit down and a cuppa as well though. Now I'm sitting here writing, does that count?

The question is, what is relaxing, what counts as winding down? If you are fairly sedentary anyway, does relaxing mean more sitting, or less? If like me you are constantly, yet not always effectively, burning nervous energy, is trying really hard to sit still relaxing? Or is it about doing something that allows your mind and your body a bit of freedom to just be, even if you are still bimbiling about?

I guess at the end of the day, as long as I come away from it feeling refreshed, recharged, ready to take on whatever the next few months have in store, that is the most important thing. I am hugely grateful that I have amazing friends, who put up with me despite my inability to sit still and probably have a better idea of what is good for me than I do.

If you have a sec share your thoughts of what it is to unwind and chill out. I am going to go and dig out my swimming cozzie but I promise I am leaving the ironing until tomorrow.

A Safe Space

Maybe I'm tired, maybe my job is getting me down a bit, maybe I have simply taken on a bit too much, it's something I tend to do. There are lots of things which, on their own or collectively, might be causing my current mood. What I am pretty sure is I should not be putting this out into the world, but do you ever get to the point where you have to do 'something'.
I'm home alone after a lovely meal with my Ma and Pa. I've just finished doing all the things I do every day to try and keep the space I occupy calm and comfortable to be in. I have just about managed to fit everything in today, everything I want to, need to, should be doing, I'll admit I've sort of lost grasp of which is which. I'm not feeling very balanced at the moment, when a large part of your brain is taken up by unadulterated blind panic it is hard to keep everything on track. Keeping check on my day to day, crazy lady list of what is OK and what is disordered thinking might have slipped a little.
So here I am bumbling around jobbing jobs in my kitchen before bed listening to one of my current favorite albums. When a line from a song I've listen to hundreds of times suddenly jumps out and centres itself in the cacophony of anxiety booming around in my skull.
" These are the people who'll make you feel safe in this world"
Maybe it hits on the root of the problem, maybe I'm just looking for something to tie the noise together, maybe I really have finally gone off the deep end. Heck one of the other songs is about shopping bags and it reduce me to floods of tears, my brain chemistry is clearly not how it should be*.
*fucked
Whatever the reason, that one line grabbed me. Who are the people who make me feel safe in the world? Now I have not set out on a war path to name and shame, or even to passively aggressively highlight. I am not pointing any fingers, I know how unbelievable hurt my family would be to hear this. I'm just talking about how I feel. I don't feel safe, there is no-one I can go to*, who can make the darkness go away.  I'm bloody petrified all the time, I've been having episodes of generalised anxiety for a while. I 'd put it down to specific things, having a row, having a big bill come in, my job being a bit rubbish, again. I don't know when it took up permanent residence, but over the last couple of days I've realised it is always there. I guess it's like a mild tinnitus, you only really notice it's full force when it's quite and you are alone. Those are the times when it washes over me like a wave.
* Not because of them, because of me.
Money's tight, the house is really hard work, my job's rubbish, but it's not a single thing. It's the debilitating realisation that you are never going to be anything, never going to achieve anything of meaning. It's being full to bursting with ambition and drive to be awesome, but having no outlet for it. I want more than anything to do something important, and have a family. The important thing doesn't have to be grand or public, but I need to feel like I have made a positive difference. Having a family, a lot of people want that, but the clock is tick, tick, ticking away and the reality is still but a speck on the horizon, a speck which some days feels like it is retreating.
Maybe I'm just used to other people solving my problem, maybe my standards are too high, maybe I'm just allowing myself to be a victim of my own fantasies. I know there are people out there with no-one who makes them feel safe, who are in far worse situations than me. People who live in poverty and squalor with no hope, and no lifeline. In the face of that I should man up and crack on, but we all know that's not how it works. You can know full well how good you have got it and still be unable to drag yourself off the sofa. Maybe I am kidding myself that all this is real, maybe it is the manifestation of my poor broken brain. I am sure I will get told soon enough if it is.
Whatever it is, I know I will carry on. I know that I'll still get up every morning, I'll go to work, I'll more or less do all the things that need to be done. I'm either stronger than I think, or not as bad as I imagine. Maybe I'll get over all my own insecurities and find a way to live the life I want and be happy. In the dark of the night with only a cup of tea to keep me company I can't see it, but no-one knows what is round the corner, especially those of us without a flash light. 
I could go on all night, but I fell a little less heavy for now and no matter how bad it gets I still have to get up and go to the office  in the morning.
Give yourself a god star if you figured the song out.

Good plus Good equals Better?

Those of you who follow my generally dull, but occasionally inane ramblings on twitter, will by now know my evil scheme for world domination. For those of you who don't the genius lies in the simplicity.

Yoghurt covered bacon.

Things covered in yoghurt are ultimately better than things that aren't, who has ever eaten just one yoghurt covered raisin? Then there is bacon, everything is better with bacon isn't it? Open a massive bill, panic, have a bacon sandwich, feel better. Life's too short to worry about bills when there is enough bacon grease oozing round your arteries to shorten your life span by a decade. You'll be dead before they catch you.............wait I don't think that is quite where this was meant to be going. Lets skip the why's and just agree that bacon is awesome. So surely if one combines these two powerful forces one could topple governments, rule civilisations, beat everyone, at everything, ever? No?

OK maybe my plan for world domination is a wee bit far fetched, but a girl has to aim high right? To be honest at the moment having something, anything to aim for would be a bonus. I like to think I am reasonably ambitious, I don't want it all, but I'd like to feel I've achieved something. Even if I don't make a difference, I'd like to make a contribution.

At the moment the world feels like a very uncertain place and I don't think it is just me. Yes I've had a rejection today, yes things are a bit unsteady at home, but I have been there before. This feels bigger, maybe this is what recession means to us everyday folk. The world seems like a big scary place right now. Everywhere I turn less and less is being paid for more and more, the squeeze really does seem to be getting a grip.

It has been a long time since I've had any idea what I want to be when I grown up. A few years ago that felt amazing, as though every door and possibility had been swung wide open just for me. It was scary yes, but in an exhilarating kind of way. Maybe it is the world we live in now, maybe it is the fact I have passed the big three zero, but suddenly the same situation seems scary in a much more claustrophobic way, suddenly my indecisiveness is making everything seem finite rather than infinite.

I can but take solace in the fact that times of recession are often cited as seeing a huge boost in creativity and entrepreneurship. Maybe yoghurt covered bacon is not the way forward, but maybe that big idea is just around the corner.

Girl Interupting

Anyone who regularly visits this blog will know that I have a bit of a thing about time for oneself. I harp on about taking time out to do something for you, giving yourself time to think and the space to be a little bit calmer. I try to practise what I preacher, but to be honest I don’t always find it that easy.

On the journey home today I was listening to the radio, one discussion I heard was about being open to doing things differently, which is something I would like to think I aim for if not achieve. However as I listened I started thinking, perhaps one of the reasons I struggle to make time for me, is because I always come at it from the same starting point. Whilst I’m open to change, I rarely seek it out; maybe shaking things up a little is exactly what I need to help find the ‘me’ space I am looking for.

Something I have been trying recently is a basterdisation of daily pages, I try and write for at least five or ten minutes every evening as soon as I get home from work. Today I realised that, although it is a start, it is essentially a variation of the way I always approach my writing. Whenever I find time and space to write I latch on to the first idea that has legs and then go from 0-60 flat out. I have an idea and I go straight into writing with out giving the idea time to grow, mature or develop. The worst habit this leaves me with is that if I have time to write, but no idea is forthcoming I just give up or find a distraction.

So today instead of flinging myself straight in, I made tea and toast, and gave the ideas time to brew, along with the tea. Admittedly once I did get to the actually act of writing things were as frantic as ever. Next time maybe I will challenge myself a bit more, write a sentence and then take a moment, though the fear of losing the train of though might make that quite a big challenge. Small steps are still steps in the right direction.

I guess what I am getting at is that sometimes you need to interrupt yourself to allow those magic little moments of insight and inspiration to interrupt your life. Change your patterns and see what you discover. I’ll keep you updated on my progress. Let me know what changes you make and how they go. 

Super-duper

Why is it that Superhero movies command such popularity, what is it we love about them so much? I saw the new Avengers movie this weekend, which in my humble opinion has a stellar cast and excellent script. Still it doesn’t matter whether the film is particularly good or not, Superhero and Action hero films do draw people in. You would think that in the current socio-political and economic climate people would hold less stock in such flights of fantasy. Sure folk want a bit of escapism, maybe a comedy or light hearted romance, but not the seemingly unachievable. You would think Superhero movies would make reality seem so much worse.


I don’t think that is the case though, I think they give us hope. They remind us to believe in a little bit of the unexpected, to aim for great things, because who knows how far we can reach? I should have come away from the film depressed at how ordinary and utterly mediocre, my life is. I didn’t though, I came away exhilarated. Ok I had just spent a couple of hours not having to think about my personal worries and engaging in something very enjoyable, but never-the-less I still felt inspired to do something a little bit better. That is the magic in these films that people take with them.


Superhero movies feel like a bit of escapism, but they also give us a boost and remind us what we are capable of. One of the wonderful things about human nature is our ability to see the bright side. We might not always feel like we can, but we do. We find the things to smile about, things to keep us going despite all the nonsense around us. The government is a bit shit, you might not love your job, or maybe you’re fed up with how things are at home, and if you think about it all at once, it probably makes you feel pretty rubbish. I bet you though, if you really think about it, something made you smile today. Heck maybe it was only something small, maybe it was a bit of schadenfreude, but I bet you did. I am also willing to bet that whatever you are struggling with, even if you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, you are still plowing on. That is what we do. It’s easy to miss things like that in the soup of everyday life, Superhero movies are just something we use to remind ourselves to smile and be a bit more awesome everyday. Right I’m off to find my cape and make the “whoosh” noises!  

(PS if you don’t feel like you can keep going until the light appears at the end of your tunnel, please talk to someone! The Samaritans are on 08457 90 90 90.)

Dreaded Dailies

Well hey there, its been a while! So the last *cough* month and a half *cough* has been a prime example of letting life get the better of you! It's funny though, the pattern of writing I'd started to develop stuck with me, I know that because I've thought about the blog almost daily. I can't promise that my next few post will be anything very interesting (the same could be said about the whole blog), but I'm back. If I'm entirely honest it was coursework that drew me away, but it has been letting life bog me down that has kept me from writing.

Letting life get in the way is, I am sure, something we are all guilty of. It happens and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Letting life get into your pores and drag you down is another thing entirely. Maybe life is the wrong word, its the details that get under your skin. That age, old adage of getting lost in the trees and being unable to see you've stumbled in to the wood. Next thing you know you've tried clearing out a little spot for a sit down but the leaves keep blowing back in and a week and a half has gone by. The children have been taken into social services and all the utilities have been cut of back at home. Maybe that's a little extreme, but who hasn't had that feeling of sinking under the mundanity of what has to be done.

Again I need to remind myself to take time for me, I doubt I need to remind you guys, you've heard me bang on about it enough. Not only is it about taking time for me though, but taking it before the 'dailies' steal it from me. Sometimes it is not enough to say I am going to set aside time for me, sometimes you have to say I am going to take some time NOW or else I'll lose it. Sure the sink might be about to collapse through the work surface under the weight of dirty crockery, no I have no pants to wear and the laundry basket has become a laundry mountain, fine 75% of the light bulbs in the house need replacing and I am liable to set fire to myself using candles, but you know what, that can all wait five minutes. I am going to sit here, have a cuppa and read my book/ write my blog/ do something that makes me smile.

So that is what I am going to be practising this week. Well that and getting cross with the government for pretty much everything, and wondering why on earth my employers can't maintain a constants temperature in our office! For now though, my lovelies, my five minutes is up and I really do need to go and finish my final piece of coursework. You though should go and get yourself a couple of biscuits, you deserve it.

It's Oh So Quiet!

Yes I know, not the most original of titles. I am afraid dear read my originality is very much pointed in another direction at the moment. I am currently taking an Open University course in creative writing. I am absolutely loving it, however due to a variety of circumstances, mainly the fact that I am doomed to always hand assignments in a the last minute, it is currently sapping all my attention and drive to write. I have to post my current assignment by Friday though so I will be back with you soon.

Look after yourselves, enjoy the peace! ;-) Oh and if anyone can tell define mood for me please send you answers on the back (or front) of a tweet to @art_of_a_story!

Shrove Tuesday

Happy Pancake Day bloggersphere, I hope you have all spent the day gorging yourselves on lovely treats. I for one have spent my evening indulging in lemon and sugar, chocolate and banana, cinnamon and syrup filled pancakes. I am sure some of you will have given a thought to the reason we celebrate Pancake Day. I know I have had a fair few conversations in the last week about Shrove Tuesday, Lent and of course what, if anything, people might consider giving up.

I find that at this time of year I hear a lot of people pondering what they may or may not be able to give up, always an interesting conversation. You hear a lot of “I might give up this”, or “I'd like to give up that”, often people will decide not to actual give them up. Personally I think just reflecting on what we could or could not do without is the most important part of the process.

What does always take me by surprise however, is the reaction toward anyone, me in this case, who is already committed to give something up. People ask "Are you giving something up?" or "What would you give up?" rarely do I hear "What are you giving up?" I give the same answer more or less every year, and the reaction is generally one of surprise and curiosity. I get quizzed on why I would give up something I enjoy, am I religious, there must be a reason. It seems that "to prove I can" is not a good enough reason, and is met with "but why". It's hard in social situation with people who see you as the same as them to explain. It’s embarrassing to be put on the spot by a group of quizzical faces, expected to give what they consider a reasonable explanation of why you choose self denial. It took me a long time to work out that not everyone feels the way I do, so I can see how the same can happen the other way. 

I have a predisposition towards addiction. It’s always been the case, fortunately I managed to avoid getting addicted to anything particularly bad for me before I came to this realisation. I have been addicted to cigarettes and despite having quit 6 years ago (blimey 6 years!) I would kill for one right now. I have been addicted to other things, food, exercise; addiction to exercise by the way isn't as good for you as you might think. I am fortunate that I dislike alcohol and I’ve never come in to contact with any other substances that you really don't want to get hooked on. I sometimes wonder how different things might have been had my upbringing not been as sheltered as it was, there but for the grace of God and all that.

All of the above means that giving something up for Lent is a no brainer for me. Can I battle my will and win? I don't need to do it per say, but I like to check that I can. You might argue that it doesn't have to be Lent and of course you'd be right, but there is something about a set period of time, one which is probably longer than you'd set yourself, with a clear beginning and end point that makes it appealing. On top of that my school years were dominated by a religious backdrop so Lent holds and extra resonance for me. Last but not least it also means I’m not alone, even if I don’t know anyone personally giving something up for Lent, I know that there are other people out there doing the same as me.

I finally get why other people aren't as bothered about the idea of quitting, for the sake of it, as I am. I'd like to ask those of you out there that feel that way to remember when you come across someone who does choose to participant in Lent that they no doubt have their reasons, give them a break.

Right pass me the frying pan, the time has come for more pancakey goodness. I shall apologise now, as you are all in for 6 weeks of moaning about the lack of chocolate in my life, all I can do is try not to go on too much about it and remind you I have my reasons. 

The Simplest of Tasks

Isn't it amazing how quickly things can go from good, or even just fine, to a complete disaster? Take last night for example I didn't hit complete disaster, but I did find miffed, drained and bordering on chaotic, it's the same principle. More to the point I got to the stage where you wonder, at which moment, your day took the turning that ended up here.

My day started pretty well, yes I was at work all day, but I had been listening to podcasts while raising countless invoices, I'd had a run at lunch time and I got a moment to jot down some ideas for a short story. I did an errand after work which took less time than I'd expected, spoken to a good friend and then visited another friend with a new baby. I popped to the shop and headed home, set for a good evening. Then everything seemed to go to hell.

I tried to undertake what was supposed to be a 'simple' task, but I could not get everything to work the way it should. I knew it wasn't that hard, which meant it frustrated me all the more. The kind of frustrated you get, when you know you should just leave it alone or you'll make it worse, but you end up fidgety and uncomfortable when you do walk away. You have to keep going back, having another go, like when you were 8 years old and unable to stop yourself picking a scab on your knee.

Things went down hill from that point onwards. I had promised myself I would just do that one job and then I would sort out the mess in the house whilst cooking dinner and getting my bits ready for the morning, so that after dinner I could have a nice sit down. That's not how it happened. I had to give up on the 'simple' task to put dinner on, but I couldn't concentrate on getting anything done properly. Even when I was eating my meal I couldn't concentrate. I kept having another look, trying again, getting more and more worked up. I almost had a little cry. I boiled the kettle at least five times, but never did have a cup of tea, thinking about it, perhaps that's where I was going wrong.

Eventually I realised with a horrible sinking feeling that it was past bedtime, I had nothing ready for the next day and I needed to stop. It was only when I finally did sit down that it dawned on me, maybe it wasn't the, surprisingly difficult, 'simple' task that was bothering me. Up until that point my week had been non stop, my feet had barely touched the group, I'd gone from one thing to the next, to the next and everything had run like clock work. If one piece of the puzzle had slipped, everything would have gone awry and I wouldn't have been able to catch up with myself. So it was a really good job that everything had gone to plan and .............wait a minute. That 'simple' task had been the blade across my Achilles heal. I talked before about how important it is to have a sit down and take time for you. That's all well and good, but if it's built into a day that is perfectly timed down to the last second and something slips, either me time or your sanity, is going to get lost vey quickly. So there is another lesson that I have recognised, if not yet fully learnt.

In case you were wondering, that 'simple' task was to put a screen protector on to my new tablet to keep it all clean and shiny. What actually happened was I put it on upside down, approximately 45 degrees from straight, with several bubbles and some mystery fluff trapped underneath it. Having now calmed down and reflected though I have realised that what is truly important in all of this is I HAVE A TABLET! 

I learn to spell criticism (probably)

I’m afraid I’m a bit rambly this week, I’ve been thinking a lot about criticism, it’s one of those subjects that morphs and changes as you look at it. Still here are some of the thoughts I wanted to put out there, however I feel this is one that might need revisiting.

Criticism is a funny thing, hard to take, surprisingly hard to give despite the fact we all fantasies, probably daily, about dishing some out. What tends to happen when you give criticism whether it be vindictively to those we feel deserve it, or indeed in good faith that we are doing something difficult for the benefit of a friend or loved one, is that we end up feeling crappy. Rash criticisms given in anger never end well, for one thing they tend to be untrue, and they really convey what is meant. Even criticism that has been thought through can go wrong, over thinking things with a splash of nerves and it all comes out wrong. What about well meaning criticism that are masquerading as advice, they have a tendency to create their own special type of hurt, as damage limitation spirals out of control and tempers quickly fray.

I received some highly constructive criticism recently on a piece of writing I posted online. I asked for such comments in the posting, and was happy to receive some really useful pointers and notes. It still hurt though. That is of course utterly ridiculous, I had asked for the feedback, it was all justified and presented in a perfectly acceptable way. I am just not used to criticism and so my gut reaction was not a good one. Once I had a chance to digest the comments, I came back and saw it for what it was, but never-the-less the strength of my initial reaction bothered me. Why couldn’t I just take what had been said at face value and get on with it, why did I let something so small hold me back, even for a minute?

I think part of the problem, is that we aren’t very good at giving criticisms, because we tend to avoid them. Avoiding it means, in turn, we aren’t very good at taking it either. As a society the norm is to hold our tongues, we avoid all the small, day to day criticisms, which should be the way we learn how to give and receive criticism, without the pain or anguish that it seems to cause. Instead, we are nice, we smile and we say nothing. Why tell your friend you don’t like her new outfit when she asks, because there is no point in causing her pain for no reason, right? Why not tell your Mum that dinner sucks, because that would be ungrateful. We tell a million little lies everyday to keep the peace, but in the long run does it do greater damage? If we learnt from a young age how to honestly comment without being critical (perhaps the words if part of the problem) then perhaps we would also learn that it’s ok if someone’s opinion differs. We’d learn how to objectively handle the bigger stuff, the more serious criticisms, the ones which if only we could see them clearly could make a valuable difference to our lives.

Maybe we also need to learn to stand on our own two feet a little more and be more responsible for ourselves. Your friend doesn’t like your new hair cut? Do you? If you do then actually what is the problem, they are entitled to their own opinion, you can thank them for their input and move on. Maybe you weren’t sure about the new look in the first place, rather than walking round a little uncertain of yourself, confidence slowly draining, you can do something about it, change it and comfortably thank your friend for their input.

I seriously doubt any of the issues surrounding criticism are going to shift any time soon, but thinking about it will at least make me try and be a little more objective for now on and try and take some of the emotion out of it. Oh by the way, those shoes, yeah the new ones you just got, hate them! 

A Sit Down (and a cup of tea)

There are lots of things I could have chosen to write about today. The fact that I went to a Football match, in January no less, especially given I’m more a Polo in June sorta gal. I could talk about the fragility of friendships, the trouble with twitter, or the fact my stupid phone is a piece of sh......................! However whilst all of those are topics are things I may return to, today I want to talk about just having a nice sit down.

A nice sit down with a cup of tea, a proper “ahhhh” moment, clichéd, definitely, but I do tend to find that clichés are clichés for a reason. There is something to be said for a sit down, a proper sit down, a moment of pause, a minute in which to do nothing. Now admittedly I’m the type of person who rarely sits down, and when I do I’m usually doing at least three other things at the same time. I never used to be this way, but apparently with me you don’t get middle ground, only extremes. Having seen both extremes has allowed me to see that it is not just the folks like the ‘new’ me that have the problem. People who you look at and think “well they don’t do a lot, they must have oddles of me time” are probably just as bad as everyone else.

I used to be rather a big lass, and not in a good way. I was generally quite stationary and I rarely did what I was supposed to be doing. Never-the-less, much as the evidence seemed to point to the contrary, I never stopped, I never took time for me. I would regularly “reward” myself, perk myself up from all the non-me stuff in my life, generally with a kitkat, a packet of crips, a cigarette, and on a couple of occasions a 500g block of cheese, neat. I thought of these ‘treats’ as me moments, but they were exactly the opposite, they were moments where I could hid from the things I didn’t want to face, short lived moments that needed regularly repeating to keep me going, and of course by regularly repeating them I also put on about 50 extra pounds.

I believe that having a proper sit down is a real treat that we owe ourselves at some point every day. It is all too easy to think you have taken a moment for yourself, a moment to just enjoy the moment, when in fact all you’ve done is given yourselves a brief reward that won’t sustain you nearly as much as you think. I’m talking a proper sit down,  none of this perching on the edge of the sofa for a moment whilst catching a few minutes of the show that happens to be on, whilst all the while know you should be getting on with the washing up/ ironing/ hovering*. How about when you are fully entrenched on the sofa, but with the TV, laptop and phone all on around you and allowing you to engage in several types of media at once, that is not time for yourself. There is so much going on in our lives all the time and it is easy to think you are resting when really you are just engaging in another distraction from yourself.

It’s taken me a long time and someone repeatedly telling me, to realise how important time for me, is. I would go as far as to say it is up there with food, air and shelter. I guess it was only yesterday that it finally struck me how big of a deal I think this is. I got a phone call from a good friend, someone who is going through a bit of a tough time, who needed a chat. The one thing I found myself wanting to impart more than any of the other bits of advice, or things I though might cheer them up, was take time for you.

It’s funny, having a sit down is something some of us really need to work at and then there are those who do it natural. My other half has always stressed how important it is too him to have time for himself. I could never really understand why it was so important to him. I think I am starting to get it.

So now I’ll leave you guys to it, I’m off to make a cuppa, toast a hot cross bun and just have a nice sit down, maybe you should too.

*delete as appropriate

Regrets? No! Well not many

This weekend the world decided that I needed to be reminded, firstly that I am indeed a grown up whatever illusions I may be living under and secondly that I am not very good at it. There is nothing that says you’re old like bumping into a friend whilst doing the weekly shop, or getting excited because the laundry basket is finally empty, or proudly surveying your gleaming oven. That pride diminishes somewhat when you discover that your now shiny oven will remain that way, as it no longer works because you got water in a part of it that really shouldn't get wet, and now all it does it make a nasty, electrical burning, smell when you switch it on.

I also had a conversation this weekend about how old you would like to be if you could choose, it seems 18 and 21 are quite popular. It got me thinking, and frankly screw that, when I was 21 I was unmotivated, regularly drunk, smoking way too much, quite fat and I had no self esteem. If I could go back and give my 21 year old self a massive slap then maybe rock up around 22 or 23, that could be fun. To be honest though, there isn’t a lot I’d change, don’t get me wrong I never imagined that aged 30 I’d be doing “admin” and  would have only just moved out of my parental home, but equally I wouldn’t be where I am had I not taken the path I did. Take out a few vital steps and I’d probably be an obese hoarder living in my parents garage with no prospects. Look at it like that I’m doing pretty well. I’ve not had 10 years of therapy for nothing. I guess if I could change something, I’d just speed it all up a bit, even a couple of years would be nice, but then who doesn’t fancy having a bit more time. Just think, if I had a couple of extra years I could, at least, double the amount of words I have written on my work in progress, I’d be at nearly 20,000 words! If nothing else I would have time to create myself a slightly less random playlist to write to, why do I have the Seaseme Street theme tune?

I currently have two NVQ apprentices working with me at the office, they are both in their (very) early 20’s. So what advice should I give them about life since I am doing a fairly shabby job at teaching them about admin, hey I’m still winging it myself. I guess from me they would get, don’t waste your time, don’t second guess yourself and take the opportunities that present themselves. If I have regrets, they are missed opportunities rather than things I’ve done. I’d rather regret doing something than regret not doing it. Equally though, don’t waste your time, don’t indulge in stuff that is going to take time away from you, drugs are a good example, I’m not massively anti them, but if there is any chance you are going to spend your days doing nothing except possibly feeding your habit, don’t bother. There is loads of stuff out there to try, you’ll never manage it all, don’t waste your time on something that isn’t giving you anything back, all it does is keep you away from all the other cool stuff. If you want a buzz go skydiving, it’ll get you high in all senses, give you a rush and you’ll remember it in the morning!

So that’s what I’d tell the 20 somethings in my office and my 20 year old self, well that and listen to that Sunscreen song really carefully, it pretty much covers everything else.

Let me know if there is anything you’d add, or preferably just go and do something cool and tell me about that instead, for now however it’s late and there is a hot cross bun, with my name on it, downstairs! 

Argumental

Ooo I am ticked off! Why do people have to be so confrontational? I think, it makes me cross because I neither like arguments, nor am I very good at them, I’m too good at seeing other peoples point of view.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good debate, the chance to question an issue, look at something a bit deeper and hopefully from a new perspective is interesting. A debate though is an experience from which you learn, sure it may get heated, but generally everyone is listening to the points being made and either backing them up or contradicting them with evidence. Arguments, especially about petty or unimportant issue, generally occur because one or both parties aren’t listening properly and are doing a lot of self promoting. You can’t debate without listening and you can’t make a reasoned and balanced argument by self promoting.

One of the big issues I have with modern forms of social communication, is that they allow a sort of every day anonymity, that seems to make some folks believe that thinking is redundant. I was using a message board today, its the one we have internally, at work. You’d think, the fact that all the people using said form of communication, know that they are talking to work colleagues and work colleagues only, would make them a little more reserved, but sometimes that does not seem to be the case.

Now admittedly I was using the board to have a little moan, and it was a contentious issue, that of office temperature. Now this is not something that has a clear answer, nor is it ever the case that everyone is going to be happy. However I felt I was making a reasonable point due to the circumstances. I also always ensure that what I write is accurate and not accusatory as I know that a very wide cross section of my colleagues read the messages posted, and you never know when you might bump into someone who’s job it is to do, fix, manage whatever it is you are having a moan about.

However our building has been chilly the last couple of days, engineers have been called to assess the problem, and staff have not been given a huge amount of information on the subject. It isn’t the most important matter in the world and therefore the informality of message boards seemed to be the right place to discuss the issues. I pointed out what the temperature was in the office and had in previous posts pointed out that although the building wasn’t freezing nor was it what could be considered comfortable in my opinion, I had asked others for their thoughts and a nice discussion was going on. The posts were then interrupted by someone managing to successful conveying sarcasm through the medium of text and asking “you don’t really think that’s cold” in response to my temperature quote. Now trust me the sarcasm was there, I am confident I was not misreading the tone, especially given the over use of exclamation marks used (I thought I was bad for that!).

As I have said, I was having a little moan, but equally I had responded careful to other posters, I had not gone on about one thing, I had made reasoned points and I hadn’t been unpleasant in any way. So what did I do to provoke this poster, who seemed to just be looking for a row? I am fairly sure the answer is nothing, some people just can’t help themselves and have to pick a fight. Of course there have been times when someone has posted something I think is stupid and made me want to reply with something cutting and sharp, but what is the point? You are generally going to end up either looking like an idiot, or the person you aim your wit at wont get it and will simply blindly answer back repeating their point with greater gusto. It is a situation akin to a head butt, nobody wins a head butt!

Thankful I am both able to reign in my own desire to snap at people in such settings and not rise to the bait when someone has a go at me(though not all settings admittedly, I’ve been know to get “snappy”). Don’t get me wrong it bothers me, if it didn’t I wouldn’t be writing this, but I shall vent and forget it. It isn’t worth it folks, just clam down and have a nice cup of tea!

Brrrrrrrrr!

Blimey Britain, it’s chuffin’ chilly! Can the last one to bed tonight pleeease remember to shut the fridge!

As you can probably tell I am back from my holiday and once again in the UK. It is amazing, how quickly all my good holiday habits, writing daily, going to the gym, eating well, have gone out of the window. Once again I am amazed at just how much of your time and energy, having a house takes up. However I am also maintaining that my other half working shifts is not helping, particularly as he was on nights this weekend, so I am creeping around, I can’t do the laundry, can’t vacuum, can’t Christmas stuff back in the attic, can’t be arse to do those things either, but that’s hardly the point. So between the cold, trying to be quiet and prepping myself for the dreaded first day back in the office tomorrow, all of my good intentions went right out of the window this weekend.

Still it is a New Year, whilst I don’t make resolutions per say, I am going to use the New Year as added ammunition in my determination not to let a few setbacks to become a major road block. I have a plan, this year I am not going to let the daily grind drag me down, oh no! I am going to fill my little world with things that make me feel, not just good, but also like I’m doing something worth while. Writing is the obvious one, and I will be aiming to write something everyday, especially once I get my new toy! (Thanks Dad!) I will be exercising regularly, not only because I enjoy it, but also because it balances out how stationary you when writing and this whole thing is about balance at the end of the day. I’m also going to try some new looks, because frankly it’s fun and makes me smile as essentially it is fancy dress.

I’ll let you know how it goes, though so far the fact it was bloomin’ cold this morning, more in the office than out of it, and I had to answer so many emails has not been the greatest beginning. However I did help with and owl rescue this evening and return to my dance class for the first time in a month, so lets just say swings and roundabouts eh?

I hope you are all having a successful and happy, or at least warm new year. Feel free to share your thoughts, aims etc. I like to hear other people ideas on how to make live a little better. 

Floozy

Just a brief post, I'm afraid I've been a bit of a writing floozy and have been posting fictional work else where. I have a few blog posts in the pipeline, but in the meantime if anyone is interested my first full short story can be found here......
http://jottify.com/works/uncarpeted/

No Snow

So I go on a skiing holiday with my family and other assorted significant folk, brilliant, except there is no snow, ah! However I am on holiday with my family and other assorted significant folk, also there is a rather excellent coffee come book shop down in the local town, so all is definitely not lost.

I have been doing a lot of writing in lieu of skiing since we have been here, nothing like sitting surround by words, whilst stringing your own thoughts together on paper. I think there will be a lot more of that over the course of the next week. Not so much due to the lack of snow (and the fact I’ve given myself shin splints), the snow is not the nicest, but equally not un-ski-able, there are other forces at work which will likely keep me away from the slopes.

Going out and catching a few runs is fine, it’s more tiring than usual, you have to have your wits about you, not just for the usual, occasional death cookies, (hard lumps of ice that sit innocently, blending into the snow, waiting to catch out the unwary skier or snowboarder and bring them crashing down in a hail of limbs and equipment) but also for, rocks, grass, tree debris, and occasionally actual trees. There is also a lot of ice, not the patchy, “I’ll just go straight over this and turn elsewhere” sort, the “Oh bugger I’ve run out of slope, I’m going to have to turn really quickly or do an embarrassing reverse out of this if I’m not careful” sort. Still all of these obstacles can be overcome or at least avoided and anyway the views are still great, the sun is warm on your back, and the light is fantastic. There are bits of the mountain best avoided; equally there are runs that I usually hate which are simply beautiful at the moment. One black run in particular I would usually steer clear of, as though it might give me rabies or the bubonic plague, yet being protected from the wind and having gained it’s self a bit of an reputation for being a bastard, means it still has a covering of that illicit white powder, (yes snow, not crack!) and there is no-one else on it.

On the whole, whilst the season is currently leaving a lot to be desired, there is still fun to be had out on the slopes. However it seems the circus may have just rolled in to town and my PMA (positive mental attitude) might be about to evaporate along with the last of the powder patches. Music Fest has just kicked off and college ski week is imminent on the horizon, I have nothing against the hordes of country music fans rolling in to town, nor the college kids coming from a good time, and more than a few beers, the town, could certainly do with the visitors. It is the fact that the folks rolling in, from far and wide, seem to think they can ski despite barely being able to tell a ski from a snow board, or having the foggiest idea how to do up their boots. Sure they have been to the store and brought all of the equipment, well at least all of the equipment they think is trendy and cool, the sudden decline in the amount of people wearing helmets is both alarming and astonishing, still it is their delicate melons that will split open when they fall not mine, and there is the but, they will fall, they do, frequently and generally in front of me! That is what is going to make the mountain un-ski-able for the next few days, the sheer numbers of people out there who are unable to ski and unwilling to accept the fact that it is not a sport you can ‘just pick up’, nor is it wise to try. Much as I love skiing and others in my group love snowboarding, it is a dangerous sport which can result in some really nasty injuries, not only to you but to other people. I know I can ski, I know I can avoid the odd one or two folks who get into a bit of trouble and lose control, but when that becomes everyone on the mountain I am not willing to take the risk!

So for the time being you will find me sat in the book shop with a big steam mug of chai tea latte, and my notebook. To those of you braving the mountain, good luck!