I’m afraid I’m a bit rambly this week, I’ve been thinking a lot about criticism, it’s one of those subjects that morphs and changes as you look at it. Still here are some of the thoughts I wanted to put out there, however I feel this is one that might need revisiting.
Criticism is a funny thing, hard to take, surprisingly hard to give despite the fact we all fantasies, probably daily, about dishing some out. What tends to happen when you give criticism whether it be vindictively to those we feel deserve it, or indeed in good faith that we are doing something difficult for the benefit of a friend or loved one, is that we end up feeling crappy. Rash criticisms given in anger never end well, for one thing they tend to be untrue, and they really convey what is meant. Even criticism that has been thought through can go wrong, over thinking things with a splash of nerves and it all comes out wrong. What about well meaning criticism that are masquerading as advice, they have a tendency to create their own special type of hurt, as damage limitation spirals out of control and tempers quickly fray.
I received some highly constructive criticism recently on a piece of writing I posted online. I asked for such comments in the posting, and was happy to receive some really useful pointers and notes. It still hurt though. That is of course utterly ridiculous, I had asked for the feedback, it was all justified and presented in a perfectly acceptable way. I am just not used to criticism and so my gut reaction was not a good one. Once I had a chance to digest the comments, I came back and saw it for what it was, but never-the-less the strength of my initial reaction bothered me. Why couldn’t I just take what had been said at face value and get on with it, why did I let something so small hold me back, even for a minute?
I think part of the problem, is that we aren’t very good at giving criticisms, because we tend to avoid them. Avoiding it means, in turn, we aren’t very good at taking it either. As a society the norm is to hold our tongues, we avoid all the small, day to day criticisms, which should be the way we learn how to give and receive criticism, without the pain or anguish that it seems to cause. Instead, we are nice, we smile and we say nothing. Why tell your friend you don’t like her new outfit when she asks, because there is no point in causing her pain for no reason, right? Why not tell your Mum that dinner sucks, because that would be ungrateful. We tell a million little lies everyday to keep the peace, but in the long run does it do greater damage? If we learnt from a young age how to honestly comment without being critical (perhaps the words if part of the problem) then perhaps we would also learn that it’s ok if someone’s opinion differs. We’d learn how to objectively handle the bigger stuff, the more serious criticisms, the ones which if only we could see them clearly could make a valuable difference to our lives.
Maybe we also need to learn to stand on our own two feet a little more and be more responsible for ourselves. Your friend doesn’t like your new hair cut? Do you? If you do then actually what is the problem, they are entitled to their own opinion, you can thank them for their input and move on. Maybe you weren’t sure about the new look in the first place, rather than walking round a little uncertain of yourself, confidence slowly draining, you can do something about it, change it and comfortably thank your friend for their input.
I seriously doubt any of the issues surrounding criticism are going to shift any time soon, but thinking about it will at least make me try and be a little more objective for now on and try and take some of the emotion out of it. Oh by the way, those shoes, yeah the new ones you just got, hate them!
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