A Safe Space

Maybe I'm tired, maybe my job is getting me down a bit, maybe I have simply taken on a bit too much, it's something I tend to do. There are lots of things which, on their own or collectively, might be causing my current mood. What I am pretty sure is I should not be putting this out into the world, but do you ever get to the point where you have to do 'something'.
I'm home alone after a lovely meal with my Ma and Pa. I've just finished doing all the things I do every day to try and keep the space I occupy calm and comfortable to be in. I have just about managed to fit everything in today, everything I want to, need to, should be doing, I'll admit I've sort of lost grasp of which is which. I'm not feeling very balanced at the moment, when a large part of your brain is taken up by unadulterated blind panic it is hard to keep everything on track. Keeping check on my day to day, crazy lady list of what is OK and what is disordered thinking might have slipped a little.
So here I am bumbling around jobbing jobs in my kitchen before bed listening to one of my current favorite albums. When a line from a song I've listen to hundreds of times suddenly jumps out and centres itself in the cacophony of anxiety booming around in my skull.
" These are the people who'll make you feel safe in this world"
Maybe it hits on the root of the problem, maybe I'm just looking for something to tie the noise together, maybe I really have finally gone off the deep end. Heck one of the other songs is about shopping bags and it reduce me to floods of tears, my brain chemistry is clearly not how it should be*.
*fucked
Whatever the reason, that one line grabbed me. Who are the people who make me feel safe in the world? Now I have not set out on a war path to name and shame, or even to passively aggressively highlight. I am not pointing any fingers, I know how unbelievable hurt my family would be to hear this. I'm just talking about how I feel. I don't feel safe, there is no-one I can go to*, who can make the darkness go away.  I'm bloody petrified all the time, I've been having episodes of generalised anxiety for a while. I 'd put it down to specific things, having a row, having a big bill come in, my job being a bit rubbish, again. I don't know when it took up permanent residence, but over the last couple of days I've realised it is always there. I guess it's like a mild tinnitus, you only really notice it's full force when it's quite and you are alone. Those are the times when it washes over me like a wave.
* Not because of them, because of me.
Money's tight, the house is really hard work, my job's rubbish, but it's not a single thing. It's the debilitating realisation that you are never going to be anything, never going to achieve anything of meaning. It's being full to bursting with ambition and drive to be awesome, but having no outlet for it. I want more than anything to do something important, and have a family. The important thing doesn't have to be grand or public, but I need to feel like I have made a positive difference. Having a family, a lot of people want that, but the clock is tick, tick, ticking away and the reality is still but a speck on the horizon, a speck which some days feels like it is retreating.
Maybe I'm just used to other people solving my problem, maybe my standards are too high, maybe I'm just allowing myself to be a victim of my own fantasies. I know there are people out there with no-one who makes them feel safe, who are in far worse situations than me. People who live in poverty and squalor with no hope, and no lifeline. In the face of that I should man up and crack on, but we all know that's not how it works. You can know full well how good you have got it and still be unable to drag yourself off the sofa. Maybe I am kidding myself that all this is real, maybe it is the manifestation of my poor broken brain. I am sure I will get told soon enough if it is.
Whatever it is, I know I will carry on. I know that I'll still get up every morning, I'll go to work, I'll more or less do all the things that need to be done. I'm either stronger than I think, or not as bad as I imagine. Maybe I'll get over all my own insecurities and find a way to live the life I want and be happy. In the dark of the night with only a cup of tea to keep me company I can't see it, but no-one knows what is round the corner, especially those of us without a flash light. 
I could go on all night, but I fell a little less heavy for now and no matter how bad it gets I still have to get up and go to the office  in the morning.
Give yourself a god star if you figured the song out.